you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it penis luge time yet?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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