so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
