i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
