i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
