I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
