One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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