Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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