apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
