have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
