Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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