Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
