haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
