i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
