I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
