This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
