I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
