I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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