i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
