You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
