You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
