Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
