first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
