we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
