I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
