People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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