I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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