She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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