So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
