Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
