I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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