I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
