the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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