Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
