Dual....:-)
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
