Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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