God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
