She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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