I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
