at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
