Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
