I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
