The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
It was confusing and full of hummus
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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