She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
