If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
