those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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