It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
