I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
