I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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