Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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