I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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