We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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