i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
